Girlfriend
by Emma CS Me
Summary: Finn/Puck, established relationship. Finn just wants to make sure Puck doesn't dump him, or cheat on him. He's hardly the first. Possible trigger warning: dub-con? Ish? I really don't know what to warn for.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:** Written for this prompt on the glee_angst_meme:

"Finn/Puck; est. relationship; Finn feels pressured to put out.

It's hard to explain, but Finn just is not ready to have sex with Puck. Okay, he's a dude, and it's not like he's virgin anyway, but... What he did with Santana was really stupid and he really regretted it after, and he wants to be really sure before doing that again - which he's kind of not yet. Plus, he's still kind of freaked out about the whole gay thing.

But, it's Puck. Finn's known him for years, way before they got together - he knows how Puck's feels about girls who don't put out (hint: they annoy him). I mean, the guy says he needs sex to live. He was sexting Santana while trying to prove to Quinn they could raise a baby together, for christ's sake. If Finn won't sleep with him, he's pretty sure Puck'll... cheat at best; dump him altogether at worst.

So Finn and his self-esteem issues sleep with Puck anyway. Afterward, he feels even worse than he did after Santana... and he's trying to hide that fact from Puck.

This could have either a happy Fuck ending (eg. Puck figures out how Finn feels, is shocked and horrified that Finn would do that, and promises Finn he loves him and they don't have to do that again until Finn really wants to), or... not (eg. Puck doesn't figure it out and their relationship goes regularly sexual way too fast for Finn - or maybe Finn finally explains to Puck after, saying he's not ready for sex yet so can they not do it again, and Puck really does dump him for not putting out). Bonus points for awesome!comforting!brother!Kurt."

Of note - this _is_ a multichapter fic, but it's only actually going to be two chapters. It fits pretty solidly into a two-act structure. *shrug*

* * *

**Girlfriend**

They're making out on Puck's bed like normal when Puck comes out of nowhere and says: "So, we should fuck."

Finn blinks up at him.

"What?"

Puck rolls his eyes. "Come on, man. We've being doing this two months, right? It's gotta happen at some point."

Puck tries to kiss him again, but Finn doesn't kiss back this time. He frowns, still kind of caught up on this whole thing. "You mean, like, in the ass? You sure? I mean, I'm pretty sure Kurt's said not all guys do..."

"What's the point of being gay if it's not an excuse for anal?" Puck asks. "Come on. How bad could it be?"

Puck's still trying to kiss him, but Finn pushes him away. "Wait, dude." He pushes himself up on his elbows. "Shouldn't we like... talk about this or something?"

"We _are_ talking about it," Puck says, but he's still leaning in. "I'd just rather do something fun at the same time."

Then Puck's mouth is on his neck, and come on, that's not fair. Stupid sexy-ass boyfriend and his sexy-ass distractingness. Okay, Finn is not letting him get away with that.

"Puck." He pushes Puck away by shoulders. Puck sighs at him, annoyed.

"What is it, Finn?" he asks. "Come on, you're not a girl. Why would you hold out?"

Finn shrugs uncomfortably. "I'm just... not sure I'm ready for that; that's all."

"But why?" Puck asks. "You're not a virgin, dude."

_Don't remind me_. "I know. But I think... that might actually be part of the problem?" Puck looks confused, so Finn tries to explain. "Look, dude – what I did with Santana? Really fucking stupid. You have no idea what a piece of shit I felt after. And I guess, I don't know, I want to be really sure before I do that again. You know?"

Puck raises an eyebrow. "Okay, San's smoking, so I really have no idea what your whole drama there is anyway," he says, and Finn's about to argue it, but then Puck starts talking again. "But if you're all girly and 'virginity is a precious gift' or whatever... You know I'm not just looking to get laid like her, right? We're like, boyfriends or whatever gay shit you want. It's about more than getting into your pants, dude."

Finn sighs. Fuck it, Puck had to go all sweet on him, huh? "Yeah, I know."

"Then what's the problem?"

Finn shrugs. "I don't know, man... Doesn't it, like, hurt?"

Puck considers this for a second, but shrugs. "Not unless, like, I didn't give a fuck about you or I just didn't know what I was doing. So, given I both give a fuck and know all too well, I'd say we're cool."

Finn frowns. "I thought you said you hadn't done the gay thing before either?"

"I haven't. But chicks _have_ assholes, dude, it happens. I mean, it's kind of harder to get them to do it, because there's another hole that works like that, but..."

"I don't – I don't know."

Puck sighs. "Look, dude, if it's really _that_ big a deal I won't force you or anything. It's just..." he leans in, biting at the shell of Finn's ear. "I could make it real good for you, babe."

Gah.

"Um." Finn's blushing, and Puck pulls back to smirk at him.

"..._Maybe_, okay?" Finn says. "You kind of dropped this on me out of nowhere, and I'm not sure if I – if I can. So, can I like, have some time to think on it? Where you promise you won't dump me for not putting out?"

Puck shrugs. "'Course."

Finn can't help but notice he doesn't promise he won't do that, period.

He shakes that thought out of his head, and sighs. "So, can we just go back to the making out now, without all this complicated stuff?"

Puck grins at him, and puts a hand on his jaw. "That is totally fine with me."

* * *

It's not that he _doesn't_ want to sleep with Puck. He's woken up with sticky sheets and lingering thoughts of that very thing in his head more than a few times. It's just... scary.

Finn sighs and flings himself down on his bed, pulling the covers over himself roughly. He tosses and turns a bit, but when he rolls onto the side facing his door, he sees a shadowy figure in the doorway.

"Holy _shit_!"

"Finn, shhh," insists the shadowy figure, and its voice reveals it to be _Kurt_, rather than the Ghost of Putting Out Past or the Slender Man or whoever (oh great, now he's going to sleep). He shifts a little, letting him into a little more light, which shows a pretty damn amused smirk. Not cool. "It's one AM. Dad and Carole are asleep."

Finn glares at him. "Why are you here?"

Kurt rolls his eyes. "It's one AM," he repeats, as if that explains everything. "I had to fool them that you had volunteered at the local homeless dog shelter to get them to calm down and not call to ruin your date," he says. "You owe me some facts, Finn Hudson."

Finn just keeps glaring at him. "Go away, Kurt."

"A name?"

"Seriously."

Kurt sighs very dramatically. "_Fine_, if you insist on being ungrateful for my protection from meddling parental figures." Finn rolls his eyes at that. "But eventually, I am going to find your mystery girl. And really, unless you tell me yourself and inform me of what I can't say, that's only going to lead to Rachel discovering her and that can't end well."

"_Leave_." Although he does find the idea of Rachel finding out about Puck a bit terrifying. But whatever. Kurt sashays off, and Finn rolls on his other side.

They haven't even told anyone yet. Especially not Kurt, or the rest of Finn's family. Kind of because, well, Kurt is _already_ dealing with so much shit for the gay thing, and it seems selfish for Finn to try and make them deal with all that _again_. At least, until things are more normal or whatever. Not to mention, he's still pretty uncertain with it – he knows he likes _Puck_, but that's about it. And he has no idea how Kurt's going to deal with Finn has to explain last year to him with 'no, it's not that I don't like dick; I don't like _you_'. Yeah, that sounds like it could be not-so-great.

Puck seems cool with all that, because he probably has his own issues with this – his rep, and Finn's very definite 'not a nice jewish girl' status, which can't go down well with his mom. But really, Finn's not sure he can _possibly_ be ready for sex in a relationship he's not even ready to tell anyone about.

Plus, Santana. She's like a ball and chain, really – it's not _her_ fault, but he just does not want to go through what he went through with her again. He's not even really sure what he means by that, but he thinks it has something to do with feeling ashamed of himself and, well, kind of like a slut (even if he is a dude). Rachel must have freaked for a _reason_, right?

_So don't do it, dumbass_, he tells himself. _Tell Puck you're not ready. What's the worst that could happen?_

Well that was a stupid thing to think.

It's not that he doesn't trust Puck – okay, yeah, he guesses it kind of must be. But he has _reasons_. They were best friends for years before all this, and Finn knows the guy's bad points – he tends to be kind of a dick to his girlfriends, _especially_ about sex. It's not like he's never dumped a girl for not putting out before. Okay, Finn's not a girl, but he's pretty sure that wouldn't save him.

And even if Puck didn't outright ditch him – well, he's never been so great at not-cheating. This dude has made out with both Finn's girlfriends. Finn would so not be surprised if he looked somewhere else while waiting for Finn to put his mental vagina away (as Puck usually puts it); snagging someone with a _real_ one. And Finn's not sure he can deal with that a third freaking time.

And he can't go all 'R-E-S-P-E-C-T_, _find out what it means to me' about it, and decide Puck's not worth it if he's going to make sex into the dealbreaker, because, well, he _likes_ being Puck's boyfriend. He likes ditching Math (and Science, and English, and way too many classes actually) to make out. He likes sneaking little looks in Glee. He likes getting Puck to play things on his guitar just for him, even if Puck gives him a token ribbing for being such a girl about it. He likes being able to blame losing videogames on the fact it's really hard to play when you keep get groped and distracted. And really, he's not sure he wants to give all that up because of this weird reluctance to do something he kind of wants to do anyway.

Finn sighs and pulls the covers over his head. He'll think about all this later; like Kurt's said, it's one AM and he needs to _sleep_. He rolls over and tries to do just that.

It doesn't work very well.

* * *

He winds up eavesdropping on Santana and Brittany, and yeah, he's admitting it, he's _eavesdropping_. Which he knows is bad, but this has turned out to be actually relevant to his life even if he only stopped because he thought they might be hooking up; cut him some slack?

"Sorry San," Brittany says. "But Artie would get mad."

Santana gives a grouchy sigh. "Yeah, I know," she says. "That fucking monogamy thing. Even _Puck's_ getting into it now."

Finn can't help but smile, because he's a jealous dick sometimes and Santana is sort of accidentally soothing his jealous dick side. Brittany looks shocked. "Really?"

Santana shrugs. "I tried to hook up with him a few days back; he told me he's secretly dating this chick and he wouldn't cheat on her. Wouldn't give me a name though. Apparently they can't say they're together yet, for... some reason."

"Oh," says Brittany. "Maybe it's a guy?"

_Fuck, Brittany!_

"Maybe," says Santana. "'Though she-he won't put out anyway, apparently, so it shouldn't be an issue for _that_ long."

Yeah, Finn's not smiling anymore.

"Huh?" asks Brittany.

"You have amnesia or something? This is what always happens. He tries it for real with whoever; she won't put out; before long he's begging at my door. You know, I think he might be an actual sex addict," Santana says with a flippant toss of her hair. "So one way or another, boy will fuck me. It just, y'know, might take awhile."

Finn _so_ wants to go forth and start a total catfight. That's what girls do when other girls are trying to steal their boyfriends, right? Why can't he? Then again, Santana doesn't know Puck's _his_ boyfriend, so it would probably just confuse her. And Kurt keeps trying to give him manicures in his sleep, so Finn assumes he doesn't have the nails for it anyway.

Still, everything she's saying... kind of a nightmare come true. Like, Puck's done this girl-or-boy-friend, no-sex, cheat/dump thing so much before Santana can predict it like an actual pattern. Like she's relying on it. And that's scary as fuck, because he doesn't want Puck to either dump him or cheat on him.

He doesn't think he can stop that directly, at step three. Puck is his own person; without hypnotism (which would be both hard and creepy), Finn can't control what he does. And stopping it at step one – them actually being together – sounds, y'know, counterproductive. So that leaves step two.

Sex.

_Fuck_.

Finn sighs and walks away. He needs to go find Puck.

* * *

"Hey."

Puck looks a little surprised to see him, which doesn't really make sense, because they're in the middle of an empty hallway at school and they see each other like this all the time. Anyway, Puck doesn't look like seeing Finn is a bad thing or whatever, so Finn doesn't mind too much.

"Hey," Puck says. "What's on your mind?"

Finn hesitates. _This is it. Come on, man_. "So... sex."

Puck raises an eyebrow. "What about it?"

_Come on, Hudson, don't pussy out now_. Finn checks around, making sure they're actually alone and it's okay to play boyfriend right now; he won't accidentally wind up outing them. Puck's not giving him much of a cue. Still, it looks like they're alone, so...

"So, uh, you said you wanted to..." Finn bites his lip. "And I think I want to. Uh. You know."

Okay, so it's not exactly great erotic work. Whatever. He's getting his point across, isn't he?

There's a bit of a pause, and Finn waits for Puck to react. Hopefully Puck isn't going to give him the whole 'are you sure you're ready?' speech dudes on TV always give their girlfriends before they do it.

(And it's _not_ just that Finn's pretty sure he'd say 'no' if Puck actually asked, okay?)

But then Puck's grinning. Full on, ear-to-ear grinning.

And slamming Finn against the lockers.

"Mmph!" is all Finn manages to get out before Puck cuts him off by sealing their mouths together, sticking his tongue through Finn's lips. Finn tries to keep one eye open to make sure they don't get caught, but really, if Puck's going to try and make out with him like _that_ he doesn't have much of a choice but get distracted.

He sort of loses himself in the kiss, and that's actually kind of reassuring. _It'll be okay,_ he tells himself. _Sleeping with him will be like doing everything else with him, and you like that, right?_

...And _then_ he remembers that he has to tell himself that and reassurance goes 'bye!' and starts packing for Hawaii.

He breaks the kiss and Puck is still grinning up at him.

"Awesome. So, come over eight tonight; Mom's working and Sarah's on school camp. I'll have all the stuff, don't worry."

_Wait, _tonight_?_ he wants to shriek, but when he thinks about it, why _not_ tonight? If he protests that, it'll just piss Puck off. So instead, he just says "That's... overly convenient... Wait, what stuff?"

Puck rolls his eyes. "Lube and condoms and shit. Because we're not catching diseases or whatever, and I'd actually rather you not scream in pain and only scream for good reasons, yeah?"

Finn can't help but shiver a little when he says that, and he's really not sure whether he's doing that because of good thoughts (_he can make you scream and that's a _good_ thing; he knows what he's doing, huh?_) or bad (_shit, it could hurt like a _bitch).

"Oh," Finn says. "Um, okay. Cool."

Puck smirks, and kisses him once again. "See ya tonight," he says, before walking off.

Finn leans against a locker, and absolutely does not collapse and start hyperventilating. Not at all.

_Don't freak out,_ he tells himself. _You decided to do this. Don't freak out.

* * *

_

"Are you going somewhere?" Mom asks. Finn practically drops everything he's carrying, but then he realizes he's not actually carrying anything.

"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah," he says, trying hard not to blush. "Puck invited me over."

"Again?" she asks, raising an eyebrow. She doesn't look like she believes him – she probably thinks he's sneaking off to have sex, which is exactly what he's doing, but she thinks he's sneaking off to have sex with a _girl_, and he really does have to tell her about all this at some point.

Preferably not now.

So instead, he shrugs. "He's my best friend, Mom," he says. "We hang out."

She sighs. "I know," she says. "Just... I hope you're not doing anything stupid."

Finn bites his lip. "Huh?"

"Noah Puckerman is not the best influence; you must be aware of that."

_Oh_. Finn nods along. "Well, uh, yeah, but you know, whatever – I'm smarter than that."

"Sure," she says.

There's an awkward pause.

"So, um..." Finn runs a hand through his hair. "Do you know where Burt is? 'Cause he kind of seems to of disappeared."

Okay, he's mostly asking this because – well, he's not that happy about it, but he kind of realizes he is totally the girl when it comes to his whole thing with Puck.

(He guesses that's why _he's_ the one who's all freaked about sex.)

And if he's the girl, that kind of makes Burt the girl's father, and Burt is so not one of those modern-y 'as long as you're safe, it's okay; trying to stop you would only lead to bad things' ones. Finn really doesn't want him coming after Puck with a shotgun, so he basically wants to make sure Burt doesn't figure it out.

(_He could get you out of doing this..._

_Shut up, brain. I don't _want_ to get out of doing this._

_You suck at lying. Even to yourself._

_And you're making me sound schizophrenic, so cut it out._)

Mom sighs. "He's picking up Kurt."

"Oh. Wait, what?"

Mom shrugs. "Kurt decided to be spontaneous and take a couple of days off; we're both happy to see him and a little worried something might have happened. But Burt will probably grill him in the car. Given how far away Westerville is, though, they probably won't be back for a couple of hours, so I don't think you have to worry. Go out, have fun. Don't get anyone pregnant."

Finn manages not to jump at that, despite the implications of sex, because even so there's still no real chance of _that_ happening. So it's only a little scary. He just rolls his eyes and moves over to kiss her on the cheek. "Love you, Mom," he says. "See you later."

She smiles. "Love you too, baby," she says. "Bye."

He walks off, and soon he's out the door. He inhales deeply.

_Come on, Hudson. You've made your bed. Get laid in it._

(_Dude, no-one likes puns_.)

* * *

"Hey."

Puck grins smugly at him. "Hey," he says. "Starting to think you'd bailed."

Finn frowns. _I can still do that, right?_ "Dude, I'm like, five minutes late. Back off."

Puck rolls his eyes, but swings the door open for Finn to come in. He stands in front of the door awkwardly. "So... now what do we do?"

Puck rolls his eyes _again_, and grabs him by the wrist. "Come on. My room."

_Shit_.

Puck drags him upstairs, and swings the door closed. Finn can't help but wince at the sound it makes when it slams (he feels kind of trapped, and the more logical part of his brain sort of knows that when being alone in a room with your boyfriend makes you feel like that, something is seriously _wrong_). But then he lies down on the bed, and Puck's on top of him like normal.

Despite everything, Puck kissing him does actually make him relax a bit. Kind of. It's easy to lose himself when they do that. Then Puck's leg is between his, rubbing up against him; his hands tugging at Finn's shirt, and Finn starts to panic at the same time his dick starts to get a little bit hard.

It's not like this is new to them – yet. What they're _going_ to do is, of course, but the frottage and the loss of clothing isn't. But still, it's scary now. Because he knows where it's heading. Like if he was heading off to battle dragons (he can't think of a better comparison right now, okay?); he'd have to start out on the street outside his house, and sure he's walked there before, but he'd be walking there to _battle fucking dragons_ so, y'know, scary.

_Chill out,_ he tells himself as Puck pulls away to tug his shirt off. _It's not bad. You're _hard_, dude. Just go with it._

Puck pulls his own shirt off too, before kissing Puck again. Finn runs his hands over Puck's chest and yeah, that's good. Touching. Touching is good. Feeling Puck's muscles ripple under his hands kind of turns him on like crazy.

But then Puck's undoing the fly of his jeans and _holy shit I can't do this_.

Finn bites his lip to keep from saying that out loud, and Puck pulls back. "S'gonna be great," he murmurs, and Finn shivers.

_You should believe him, you know._

Puck tries to pull the jeans off, and Finn raises his hips obediently so Puck can do just that. Then he remembers the underwear he has on, and closes his eyes so he doesn't have to look at Puck's face.

He still hears Puck laughing. "Aliens? Really dude?"

Finn feels himself go bright red. "Shut up," he says half-heartedly.

Normally, he'd actually fight against that better, and Puck would keep making fun of him, and he would probably throw a pillow and there would be wrestling and it would dissolve into something sexy. But he doesn't want to do that now, even if this is the time they're actually having sex. He doesn't want to stretch it out with them acting like normal; he kind of just wants to get it over with.

He hesitantly pries his eyes open, to see Puck rolling his. "Chill, Finnessa. I mean – tell anyone I said this and I'll punch you, or whatever I can do without making you have to dump me and go to a shelter – but it's kind of cute, okay? Let it go."

Finn lets out a breath and lies back against the bed, body going limp. The thought kind of hits out of nowhere:

_I really,_ really_ don't want to do this_.

Thinking that makes him feel a little sick. He tries to shake the thought away, lose himself in the fact it feels _good_ (he's hard for a reason) but it sticks in his mind this time. It's not really surprising, after all. He only decided to go through with this because he heard Santana bitching and saying she could get Puck anyway. He's doing this so he doesn't get dumped. He _knew_ he wasn't doing it because he wanted to; he just wanted to forget that while actually doing it. God, he's such a _girl_; being scared up about putting out like this; getting all worked up about his shitty first time.

(Thanks a fucking lot, Santana).

But he's not having another fucking relationship end in trauma and crazy because he can't/won't give his girlfriend/boyfriend whatever the hell it is they need – at least in this case it's easy to tell what that is; _sex_. He keeps his mouth shut and goes with it.

"Come on, Hudson," Puck mutters, reaching over to get the... supplies out of his drawer. "Let's get this show on the road already."

Puck gets them both naked pretty damn quickly for that, and things go kinda fast. It _hurts_ when Puck breaches him open, but he bites his lip and hides what pain he can; it's not so bad and he still just wants to get this over with. It does feel good, though, and he comes with Puck's hand wrapped around his dick while he's being fucked. Puck comes too, and it all ends the way he guesses sex tends to end – in awkward silence, with some panting.

Then, Puck grins at him. "Thanks. That was awesome."

Finn blinks? "Oh?" he asks, because, well, he's pretty sure he read somewhere that sex was meant to be best when both people (or however many; y'know, he's trying to be open minded nowadays) were having a great time with it. And he kind of wasn't just then, so even if Puck didn't notice that (Finn doesn't think he did), it shouldn't have been that good. Or maybe Puck is just lying to him to be nice (okay, doesn't sound much like Puck, but whatever).

And then Puck's kissing him again. Despite everything, that's still fucking distracting.

"So," Puck says once he pulls away, sitting up in the bed. "What do you wanna do now? I'm pretty sure I've got some new games; really gotta start paying more attention to what I steal." There's a pause. Finn blinks. "Dude, I'm not cuddling," Puck tells him.

Finn shrugs and starts to pull himself out of the bed. But then a sharp pain shoots through his ass and _ow!_

Puck gives him a look. "You okay?"

Finn nods automatically. "Yeah."

He's not. He feels kind of... cheap and dirty and used, and not in a fun way like those chicks in porn seem to go on about. It hurts. He doesn't get himself, really, but he sort of just feels like he did with the Santana thing.

And he realizes he can't look Puck in the eye right now.

"I – I have to get home," he blurts out, pulling him clothes off the floor as fast as he can. Puck looks confused. "Um... Kurt kind of spontaneously decided to come back for a bit, so Burt was driving over there to pick him up; I should probably be home by the time they get back or else things are just gonna get awkward."

Puck nods, like he buys it. Well, it's all true except for none of that's why he needs to get out of here, _now_.

(To be honest, he feels like a douchebag for running out on Puck like this.)

"Well, uh, see ya," Puck says awkwardly. He does, however, kiss Finn again.

Finn gets his clothes on as fast as possible (while trying not to show too much of himself, and yes he knows exactly how stupid that is) and makes a break for it.


	2. Chapter 2

He gets home to see Kurt in the kitchen.

"Finn," Kurt says, sounding surprised. "Where were you? I was half expecting you to attack me with a bear hug when I got home."

Finn shrugs, shifting uncomfortably on the spot. He's kind of sore. "I was at Puck's. Didn't Mom tell you?"

Kurt frowns. "She just said you were out," he says. "You've been spending a lot of time with him lately."

_Oh shit, he's figured it out!_ is Finn's first thought. However, he thinks he manages to pretend to be calm decently enough. "So?"

Kurt shrugs. "Just saying," he says, which isn't really reassuring. "I just thought – if you knew I was coming home, you might actually be here, not with him."

Finn cringes and snaps. "Well, sorry for not rewriting everything I do because _you're _the most important thing in the world or whatever."

"Finn–"

"Forget it. I'm going to bed," he says, striding past Kurt and making the way up to his room. His legs and ass _seriously_ regret going so fast when he gets there, but he deals with it. He collapses onto his bed, on his side.

He shouldn't have lashed out at Kurt. Really. He was right; Finn should have been there to welcome him home. But, well, it's not like he was out because he _wanted_ to be. He was doing something he had to. Or something he felt like he had to, anyway. It just seemed unfair that Kurt would blame him for that.

Well, that was a stupid moment. Finn groans and starts looking through that draw he never uses for his pajamas – he doesn't usually bother with them, but tonight he doesn't think he can handle sleeping in his underwear like normal. Um, that's overly traumatized.

He sighs and pushes himself back into bed. _Just, get some sleep. It'll seem better in the morning. Puck will call or text you or something and it'll be fine._

He still sounds like such a girl.

* * *

He wakes up in the morning after a restless sleep. His ass still hurts a little, but it's better than it was last night. That's comforting, he guesses.

He rolls over and checks the time. Almost ten AM. Meh. He checks his phone too, and finds Puck's texted him, not called.

_Hey babe. Hummel still all clingy on u, pissed u werent there last nite? Like he nos. Luv u._

Finn smiles, despite himself. But the memories of everything that happened last night still make him wince, and that's not a good thing. He was kind of hoping when he'd wake up in the morning, he'd have gotten some kind of perspective and magically become okay with it all. He hasn't. Well, _shit_.

He thinks about Kurt, and remembers what a douche he acted like last night – he's going to have to go apologize. Again. Kurt is his bro now and Finn loves him, but he swears he spends half his life apologizing to the dude for something or other.

He sighs and pushes himself out of bed.

* * *

He wanders into Kurt's room just after noon, as which point even Kurt on a weekend should be up. In fact, Kurt's lying there reading a magazine in all his fancy clothes, so Finn would guess he's been up for awhile.

"Um, Kurt?"

Kurt lowers his magazine, blinking at him. "What is it, Finn?"

Finn shoves his hands in his pockets, shuffling around uncomfortably. "I just, uh, wanted to say sorry... for being such a dick to you. You know, last night. I was just lashing out. Nothing to do with you. I... probably shoulda been here when you got home anyway."

Kurt smiles softly. "It's alright Finn; it's not like I feared I wouldn't see you. I wasn't mad."

Finn nods. He sort of notices that Kurt hasn't asked him what he was lashing out _about_.

There's an awkward silence. "Finn? Is there something else you want?" Kurt pauses. "Is there something wrong?"

Finn hesitates. This is the bit where he should go away, say everything's just fine and, y'know, not make Kurt all suspicious. But he finds himself sighing and sitting down on Kurt's bed, wincing at the pain from the pressure on his ass. It's weird.

"...Sort of," Finn eventually says. Kurt frowns. "Uh, if I'm going to explain this to you... I'm going to tell you shit you're probably not gonna be expecting. So, uh, sorry."

Kurt looks unimpressed. "Spill."

"I've kind of been secretly dating Puck for two months now."

Kurt blinks. "...Oh," he says. "Wait, no, that's not right. Let me try again: _WHAT_?"

"Dude!" Finn says. "Shh."

"I'm not saying anything that would reveal the specifics of your secret, and my room is soundproofed anyway, so no-one can hear me. I repeat: _WHAT_?"

"Okay, okay dude, I get it. This is weird and freaky and you're all 'since when do you swing that way' and you're probably gonna be pissed that I do like dudes after all but I didn't like you back when you – but you know, none of that's really what this is about; it's just... context."

Kurt blinks. "Alright then," he says. "So what is this about?"

Finn takes a breath. This can't be a good idea, telling Kurt. "...We had sex last night. It was, um, the first time we..."

"I really don't need to know this, Finn."

"I don't really think I wanted to."

Kurt looks shocked, and Finn looks away. "Oh my – _god_ Finn, what did he – I mean, I guess you don't have to tell me, but – son of a _bitch_, how could he–"

"Huh? Oh, no dude. He didn't... _force_ me or anything." Kurt looks relieved and Finn sighs.

"Then... what did happen?"

Finn bites his lip. "I... He kind of brought it up awhile ago. And I was like, 'um, don't know' so he let it slide. But then I heard Santana talking to Brittany... she was pissed Puck wouldn't fuck her, because he was actually not cheating on me even if he wasn't saying who I was. But she said... she said she knew, if whoever-I-was wasn't putting out, then Puck would have to sleep with someone soon anyway. He was gonna either cheat or dump me. I mean, it _is_ Puck. So I kind of went and screwed him anyway. But now I feel kind of bad, and I don't think I was..."

Kurt looks at him with pity. "Well, that was kind of stupid, Finn."

Finn glares at him. "Nice, dude."

"Sorry," Kurt apologizes. "That was tactless. But... you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to, just to keep your partner happy."

"You sound like a public service announcement," Finn grumbles. "You don't _get it_, Kurt."

"You're right, I don't," Kurt admits. "Mind explaining?"

Finn sighs. He's suddenly realizing he doesn't get it either. "It's just... look, I love Puck, but I know he's not perfect. He's the sex shark or whatever. I mean, I knew a lot of shit about his sexual history going into all this – we have been best friends since we were like, four. I sort of _guessed_ he'd expect sex; he wouldn't be so great if I wouldn't give it to him. I mean, I've seen him dump girls for not putting out before. So it feels like... really should've seen this coming. And if it'd be such a big deal, I shouldn't have gotten into this in the first place. Does that make any sense?"

"In a way, but that doesn't mean it's right," Kurt says. He sighs and reaches over to grab Finn's hand. "No-one has the right to _expect_ sex from you. Not if you're not ready. And, as much of a cliche as this is, if Puck would dump you for not doing that, he's not _worth_ it, damn it."

Finn looks away, feeling kind of ashamed. He knows all that. He feels dumb for doing it anyway. But he really needed to keep Puck, so he ignored his common sense and everything years of Very Special Episodes taught him, and did it anyway. Kurt's trying to help, but telling him everything he already knew isn't making him feel much better.

Kurt cocks his head to the side. "You love him?"

Finn nods, looking back up to meet Kurt's eyes. "Yeah," he says. "I do. I mean, I like, really do. It's kind of scary, actually."

Kurt sighs. "Well, I can't say much for your taste, but..."

"Sorry," Finn says. "So, what do I do now? We've done it once; do I just keep sleeping with him since–"

"Finn, no. Not if you don't want to." Kurt takes a heavy breath. "You need to talk about this with Puck. Tell him everything. Maybe he'll be okay with it; maybe you mean enough to him that he won't do something bad after all."

Finn cringes. "And if he does?"

"Then good riddance to the bastard."

"Yeah, easy for you to say when you're not..."

Kurt sighs. "I know," he says. "Come here."

Kurt wraps his arms around him, and Finn lets himself feel a little bit of comfort.

* * *

He next sees Puck at school on Monday.

"Hey," Puck says. "Didn't see you all weekend since Friday. You avoiding me?"

Finn frowns. "Dude, you called me like fifty times, and I always answered. You're whining about nothing."

Okay, honestly, it was the first weekend in weeks he didn't spend mostly at Puck's house. Yeah, he _was_ kind of avoiding Puck, out of shame and the weird guilt that comes with the fact he knows they have to have _that_ conversation – the one Kurt told him to start – but Finn's shit scared of it. It's kind of unfair, but what can you do, really?

Puck shrugs. "Whatever. Just kind of missed you, that's all."

Aww. And yes, he's a fucking girl, whatever he's used to it by now.

"Sorry," he says.

"Plus, I was kinda worried – I'd done something wrong with, well, what happened, and you were pissed so that was..."

Finn cringes. Okay, he _needs_ to start this conversation now. Yeah, it'll be painful and uncomfortable, but so was the sex and he can't just let Puck going thinking he was...

"No, uh, I'm cool. Just... kinda sore."

That is _not_ what he meant to say.

Puck gives him a smirk that makes Finn want to puke. "Oh really?"

Finn manages to roll his eyes. "Dude, don't be a dick."

"Just asking," Puck says. "You wanna come over tonight?"

Finn hesitates. "Puck–"

"Come on, you me, video games, cheetos and probably some kind of sex? There's a _bad_ thing in that equation?"

Finn tries not to grimace – _come on, bring it up, bring it up._ "Okay, sure," he says. "Just tell me when to get there?"

"Six-ish? I think my sis is chased out of the house at that point."

Finn nods along. "Cool."

Puck gives him a cocky grin as he walks off. Finn smiles until Puck's gone, and then he starts panicking. Oh god, what did he just agree to? Again? He is so fucked. And that wasn't a good way of phrasing it.

* * *

A bit before six, he's preparing to leave. And Kurt is staring at him with a raised eyebrow from the kitchen doorway.

"Where are you going?"

Finn sighs and turns to him. This can't end well. "Puck's."

Kurt frowns and steps forward. "Have you spoken to him about..."

Finn bites his lip and looks down at the floor. When he hesitantly raises his eyes again, Kurt sighs and steps forward.

"Finn..."

"Look, I'll talk to him, okay?" Finn says. "I just haven't gotten around to it yet, that's all. I'm not going there to – I mean, if he tries something I'd..."

Okay, Finn knows what Puck said. But Finn's not sure how much Puck was banking on that or whatever, so he's not sure anything'll happen.

Kurt looks wary. "I just don't want you to do something you'll regret. _Again_."

"I _won't_. Promise, okay?" Finn says. Kurt doesn't really look like he believes him, but Finn swings open the door anyway. "See ya, bro."

"Bye," Kurt says quietly as Finn heads out.

* * *

"Dude, I am so kicking your ass!" Finn yells, grinning as he furiously mashes the buttons on his controller. Puck's face is flushed with frustration as he tries to catch up.

This whole thing is going pretty well so far – they've just made out, ate and played a lot of videogames so far. Finn's having fun, and he sort of feels like the whole crazy sex thing hasn't happened.

"Son of a bitch," Puck grumbles. "You – freaking – lucky–"

"Ha," Finn gloats. "Face it – you're my bitch now."

"That's not what you were saying on Friday."

Finn goes still. _Shit_. It _did_ happen and suddenly he's all frozen. And then the screen starts beeping at him. Aww, shit; he lost..

"Fuck yeah!" Puck shouts, arm-punching in victory. "Suck _that_! The Puckasaurus defeats all!"

Finn scowls. "Shut up," he says. "And that's a stupid nickname."

Puck rolls his eyes. "Dude, sore loser much?"

And then Puck _pounces_. Finn finds himself pinned to the bed, and looks up at his boyfriend in surprise.

"Puck, what are you–"

Puck shuts him up with a kiss. Well, that kind of makes the answer to his question obvious anyway. Finn holds onto Puck's mohawk for support, losing himself in the kiss.

But then he feels Puck's hand tugging at his zipper, and _fuck_!

He breaks the kiss and blurts out "Puck what are you doing?" Puck raises an eyebrow.

"Come on," he says as he kisses Finn's neck. "This ain't new territory, dude."

"Puck–" Oh god, he said he wouldn't do it again but he doesn't know how to stop, doesn't know what to say.

"Wasn't it fun, babe?"

"Puck I didn't want to sleep with you."

Puck pulls away and stares at him. Finn suddenly realizes what he just said. Fuck.

"Wait, what?"

Finn grimaces. "I... On Friday. When we... I didn't really, uh, want to." He pauses. "Sorry," he says in embarrassment.

"Dude," Puck's kind starting to look like he's panicking, "I didn't – force you or anything–"

"No, man, it's not your fault," Finn says, trying to comfort him. Fuck, how does he explain this? "It's just... look, when you brought it up I... was kind of freaked out. And, I asked for time to think about it – you know all this, you were there, why am I telling you? Anyway, while I was doing my thinking thing... I heard Santana talking to Brittany?"

"What?" Puck asks. "Dude, I didn't cheat on you."

"I know. She said you wouldn't, actually; she was kind of pissed she couldn't hook up with you when you actually had someone to not cheat on." Puck smiles, and Finn takes a breath. "But then she said... that this had happened before. Like, you being with someone you didn't wanna cheat on... and then whoever wouldn't put out, and then you wound up fucking her anyway or whatever. And, I dunno, the thought – I guess I just panicked. I sort of felt like I _had_ to if I was gonna keep you. So... I did."

Puck stares. "Shit," he says. "That was fucking dumb."

Finn cringes. "Yeah, I know," he says. "I'm sorry."

Puck blinks at him. "So... you really weren't, uh, ready or...? 'Cause you did get it up and come and everything."

Finn shakes his head. "No. Well, yeah, I guess it felt good but – I sort of felt like shit after, so..."

Puck sighs. "Is it just that you weren't cool with being the one to take it? 'Cause, you know, I don't mind being on bottom from now on if that'd make you feel better."

Finn thinks about it, and the thought still sort of makes him cringe. "I – I don't think so. It wasn't really about, like, the physical stuff or anything – I just... wasn't ready for that level or whatever. I know you're trying, but that... it wouldn't help."

"But why?" Puck asks, and Finn frowns. "I mean – why aren't you ready?"

"I – I don't know!" Finn says. He thinks of Santana and winces a little – he's really got to start understanding this more. "I just... can't?"

"_Why_? I mean, you're not a chick – we're dudes; we're all meant to always want sex, so why won't you put out?"

Finn glares at him. "So, what – I'm a guy so I can't say no?"

Puck groans. "No, just... I don't get it, that's all."

Finn sighs. "Well, okay, I don't really get it either," he admits. Puck looks relieved. "But I don't really need you to – I just need you to, well, be cool with. And not push until I'm ready like a normal person. Uh... you can do that, right?"

Puck looks less relieved. He looks pretty fucking unrelieved, actually, and Finn isn't feeling so great either now. Puck pushes himself up and off Finn, and Finn sits up too. "Look, Finn I – I love you," Puck says. "But I'm still _me_. I wanna stuck it somewhere."

Finn looks away. _Fuck_. "Dude, I said I can't–"

"Whoa, I won't make you or anything if you don't want to. I mean, sex ed said that was like, rape," Puck says. "And yeah, I still wanna be your boyfriend. Relax?"

Finn blinks. Okay, huh? He's relieved, but... "So, uh... what is your problem? What are you asking?"

"I'm gonna need to fuck someone, Finn. Just sort of need your permission to do it with... well, anyone other than you, basically?"

Finn gapes at him. "You're kidding, right?"

Puck looks uncomfortable. "Look, dude, isn't this best for everyone? It wouldn't mean anything. Like jerking off, but with pussy. I'd even tell anyone I fucked that. Come on."

Finn shakes his head. "No!" he says. "After everything we've been through, you expect me to give you _permission_ to cheat on me?"

"It's not cheating if you give me permission," Puck says. "And do you just expect me to find anyone I feel about the way I do you? 'Cause, you know, if you'd just fucking _trust me_ we might not have this problem anyway."

Finn recoils like Puck hit him. "Yeah, and you're giving me real reason to," he says – fuck, he's starting to choke up now. "With the going on about how you _need_ to fuck and trying to make me give you permission to make this whole thing... something I don't want it to be."

Puck rolls his eyes. "Has anyone ever told you you're fucking self-centered? This is about more than you, dude."

"And it's about more than you!" Finn shoots back. "You don't have the right to make me..."

There's a _long_ pause. Puck sighs heavily. "You're right," he says. "I can't make you give me any kind of permission. And you can't stop me being me. So really, it just all doesn't mesh – we pretty much gotta admit that about now."

Finn blinks. It takes him a second to get it, but once he does, his jaw drops open. _Oh god no, please_. "You're – are you dumping me?"

Puck bites his lip, and shrugs uncomfortably. "Well, look at it this way – if you won't fuck me and you won't let me fuck anyone else, I'm probably just going to wind up doing it anyway and _actually_ cheating. And then _you'll_ dump _me_, and you'll be all fucked up about it, and really we should just stop that now."

Finn feels like his guts have been torn out. How can this be happening? "I don't – I don't understand..."

"...Sorry, dude."

That makes Finn snap. He's _sorry_? He can just do _that_ to Finn, and then say he's sorry? Like that's meant to make it better? "You know what? _Fine_," he says, jumping off the bed. "Not even worth it anyway, stupid bastard."

"Wait, Finn–"

But Finn doesn't give him the chance, storming out of the house. He's trying not to cry. By the time he gets to his car, he has majorly, majorly failed.

* * *

When he gets home, he's still a bit teary-eyed. Kurt is in the kitchen, clearly waiting for him.

"Finn," he says. "What's wrong?"

Okay, so he's noticed. Finn takes a breath. "So, uh... I had that talk with Puck."

Kurt winces and stands up, walking close to him. "And... what happened?" he asks.

"He dumped me."

Kurt's jaw drops open for a second. Then he shuts it again, shakes his head, and reaches for the door.

"Dude, where are you going?"

"To go kill Noah Puckerman," Kurt informs him. "Admittedly, I don't actually know where he lives, but I'll find a way around it. Where does he live, actually?"

Finn winces. "Could you not? Or at least, let me go all girl on you for a bit before you run off to play big brother? Please?"

Kurt sighs. "Sorry," he says. "I just – I don't like Noah Puckerman. I never have. He rather made my life hell for a very long time, and I am quite bitter about that. However, I thought it was just that – me being bitter. I thought he had changed – I mean, you said he _prayed_ for my dad when he was sick, and he doesn't even like me. I thought he wouldn't be the kind of person to just do this to someone he professed to care about, because his libido was so overwhelming. At least, not anymore."

Finn cringes. "Well, I guess that wasn't really it," he says. _Dude, why are you defending him?_ "Actually, he kind of said he still wanted to be with me, just... like, he'd need to get laid somewhere else."

Kurt raises an eyebrow. "Like an open relationship?"

Finn shrugs. "I guess? But I – I couldn't. It's dumb and jealous but – I couldn't have this thing where I was _expecting_ my boyfriend to cheat on me, even if it wouldn't technically be cheating. Not after what happened with Quinn, and Rachel. _Especially_ not given Puck was kind of who what happened with both Quinn _and_ Rachel happened _with_."

Kurt nods slowly. Finn bites his lip.

"Do you think I was too hard on him?" he asks. "You think I should have agreed?"

"If you didn't want to, _no_," Kurt tells him. "You shouldn't be forced into anything that makes you that uncomfortable in a relationship, Finn, just to be able to keep it – that includes sex, but it's more than that."

Finn sighs. "I just wish we weren't broken up."

Kurt flinches. "It's not worth it," he says. "He's not worth it. If he's the kind of... _asshole_ who would dump you over this, you are far, far too good for him."

Finn knows that. Logically, he's right – Kurt's saying exactly what he would say if this had happened to someone else.

He just hopes it'll sink in soon, because he feels like shit.

* * *

**A/N:** This is the bit where my reviewers kill me, huh?


End file.
